Archived Messages to Jeffrey and Russell
Daily Message to My Sons Jeffrey and Russell
May 20, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell,
As Spring has arrived, I have taken some walks in your favorite park, San Rafael near the University and remember the days when we went baby frog hunting.
What Fun!
We had a very basic and primitive technique to catch the young frogs.
A rope tied to a beach bucket handle that we lowered into the lake and brought it back up with usually 2 or more frogs, and occasionally tadpoles.
A trip to Petsmart and we searched for a container that would allow the young tadpoles and frogs to grow. As a matter of fact, Jeffrey, the container we used is still out on the patio, old but can be cleaned out and used again.
And, of course, we also bought food for the young tadpoles and hatchling frogs.
Over the course of several weeks, the tadpoles gradually began to grow legs and take shape as the other young frogs grew larger. Remember their colors? Some grey, others lime green and big eyes.
And, Jeffrey, you always wanted to place some rocks in the frog container, which was filled with water. The rocks gave a resting place above the water line for the tadpoles, as they became frogs. You also liked to place grass on the bottom layer.
And, everytime we returned to San Rafael, we heard the croaking of the large parent frogs and you both used to scramble around the banks of the pond searching to find the big frogs. And, they were big.
Within several weeks, usually in early June, all the tadpoles were full grown frogs, although very fragile and little, and we would release them into the backyard grass. They were remarkably well adapted to their new freedom and within usually a short time scurried about and no longer seen.
Every once in a while, a frog would be seen in the grass hopping around snatching small bugs.
You, Jeffrey, seemed delighted and curious all the while we had our frog adventures.
Let's never forget those wonderful times together.
I love you both and am very, very proud of you.
Dad
May 17, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell,
When you were both little and I read books to you, I remember one book that told the story of a little boy who no matter how he tried to run away from his parent, the parent would be but a few steps away. I have always tried to protect you both and counted on your mom to support me as I tried to do for her.
Obviously it didn't work out in the last two years.
But trying to erase me from your lives is virtually impossible since each of you will always be ½ your mom and ½ me, your dad.
Think about it. When you reject me, you are rejecting ½ of yourself. You can never look at that ½ again the same way. You will always look back and see a life ½ lost, not a life ½ gained. The memories of our times together do not account for your behavior of refusing to see me. Those memories are indelible, etched in your brains and will always be there, the rest of your lives.
Will you continue to act out your mom's hysterical hatred and justify the strange absence of me in your lives by demonizing me with words that were not your own?
Or will you simply try to forget and ignore your entire childhoods as everyday I was directly involved in your livelihood, happiness, food, clothing, schooling, hobbies and everything that made you both you.
How do you expect that to work out for you, Russell and Jeffrey?
And, did you ever stop to think how few people in your lives, in anyone's lives truly love you. Yes, there are very few who will. And, yet, to lose one of those precious people in your life, even your father, you seem prepared to do.
When you lose a person who loves you, that is a tragic loss. It means they are no longer there to support you, to listen to your troubles, to hear your laughter, to watch you continue to grow older, to give you a part of themselves that can only be given by them.
And, when you erase a person in your life who literally gave you birth, played with you, raised you, helped you take your first steps, watched over you when asleep, took joy in celebrating your special days ‐ how do you intend to replace that person.
You Russell and Jeffrey were always gentle, caring, considerate and compassionate boys who always expressed gratitude and regret and would never, ever deliberately harm another living thing.
You must be thinking. I think about it everyday.
Maybe you want to show me kindness but are afraid.
If you take a little step, the bigger steps will follow. And, we can play again.
I love you and am very proud of you.
Dad
May 15, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell
Last week was not a good week for your dad.
I traveled once again the long trip to visit you Jeffrey with the hopes that I could prevail on you to talk with me, perhaps even spend an hour or two meeting together over a meal. Knowing that you refuse contact with me, I decided to gently leave a note on your car asking simply that you call me before 5:30 p.m. and arrange to meet. I provided my phone number and the address of the beautiful website I made for you and Russell to show the real relationship we shared for so many years.
By a complete coincidence, when I was driving off, you appeared next to my car also driving your car in the same direction. Our cars were literally together. Expecting that you had read my note, and would at least tell me face to face your intentions, I followed your car through the traffic light and you suddenly turned right. Thinking you were going into a parking lot, I followed hoping to communicate. It never occurred to me the lot was the police station.
You parked near the door and I pulled my car into the space on your driver's side door. I proceeded to walk over to your door and talk with you for a few minutes. You refused to look at me, held your cell phone to your ear and with your girlfriend in the passenger seat, completely ignored me.
Considering that in no way was I threatening you, only wanted you to talk with me, and I was your dad who never once in the almost 16 years of our lives together harmed or abused you, could not comprehend the astonishing level of your brain washing manifested in an irrational, even pathological state of fear.
The police arrived and confirmed that you were afraid of me and did not want any contact. How bizarre was that. It raised an instant suspicion in one of the two police officers that you had been abused and he even used the words brain washing. Again, there is nothing in my behavior Jeffrey that would account for your behaving as though you feared me. This is pure manipulation and coaching by your mom and grandparents to use you to emotionally harm me. And it works. How does that really make you feel? Can you ask yourself that question?
Michelle, a nurse and mother who is also a victim of children who have been trained to reject her, helped me by approaching you in your car and engaged you in a communication for about 20 minutes. She has experience working with psychiatric patients and immediately reasoned that you were an extreme case of child abuse as there was no threat present that would rationally account for your behavior to express such strange fear and hostile behavior.
Jeffrey, I know you don't see this in yourself, but others, who are not allied with your strange delusions about me do see that you are under very powerful influence and control that is not looking after your best interests.
You and I know what people are the controllers.
Combined with emails from your grandmother that fell into my hands from a concerned person, I learned the nature of the threats perpetrated viciously and without cause on my life and yours for many years in preparation of the very day you found yourself captive in the home of your grandparents.
Your mom was always a hysterical and highly abusive controller as you and your brother well know. But I never dreamed that after she orchestrated her own financial ruin running out of my money to support her lavish lifestyle,that this awful brain washing would happen.
I am not perfect Jeffrey and suffered a major setback in my business and life that have nothing to do with you and me. But rumors floated have confirmed that my business train wreck was used to falsely demonize me to you. And that is not right and in your soul you know it. That money over these many years was the reason why your mom had a large house in Galena, took you on luxury cruises, global trips. It paid for your clothes, our cars, and your lifestyle. And to demonize me for a sad experience in my business is unfair and recklessly disrespectful to me. I know who is behind this brain washing Jeffrey, and you need to start to think for yourself.
Jeffrey and Russell, please think carefully about what I have just written.
I love you both and am very, very proud of you.
Dad
April 29, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell
Russell, do you remember Mr. Young?
He was your 4th grade teacher and was especially proud of you as his student.
Do you also remember how I used to drive you to school and pick you up in our red Civic? You always had a smile on your face and were happy to finish your school day and see me. Occasionally, after hours and on weekends you and I used to return to the school playground where we practiced basketball.
It quickly became apparent that basketball was not your sport, but we tried to keep your interest up anyway. I took you 2 days a week to practice on the YMCA team and sat watching you with your team mates. For some reason, and after much effort, we abandoned basketball and found Tai Kwon Do School around the corner from our house.
Lucky for us, we found your passion. You quickly became a rising star and within a few years advanced to earn a black belt. What an achievement for my little boy. I was so proud of you.
After each class, you were hungry. It became my habit to drive you down the street to get a carry out hamburger and a milk shake. Triple Stacker was the name of the burger. Sometimes you ate your sandwich before we arrived back home, that was only 5 minutes away.
The other activity that you seemed to enjoy was swimming lessons at the Moana Pool. Between Tai Kwon Do and swimming, you and I were together after school hours most every day. Our little red car and Minivan were in constant motion servicing your travel needs in those days. What fun!
Jeffrey, by the time you were of age to play after school sports, times had changed and we spent most of our outdoor times taking walks and exploring. Often we walked near the river where you would throw stones and sticks in the water. Then you couldn't wait to get back home to play games on your computer. Of course there was always homework.
Xbox became a big interest around the time you were 8 years old. There were many games including Minecraft on the Xbox and several games that we played together. By that time, Russell was 16 years old, beginning to drive and was rapidly developing other interests. So it was a time when I gave you almost full attention. I enjoyed every minute, and so did you.
Remember your favorite lunch? Black Forest Ham and Swiss Cheese grilled in butter. And, of course lemonade, which was not really healthy for you but I gave it to you anyway. Ice cream and cookies were also big hits with you at that time. Russell too!
Now its time to close this message and I want to tell you both again,
I love you and am very, very proud of you.
Dad
April 28, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell
The last few days I have been in and out of doctor's office undergoing blood tests. Have not been feeling particularly well, but hopefully one day I will be better. Some help would be really nice, especially when feeling weak.
But let's move on to another subject.
I remember Jeffrey, taking you to one of your offbeat playgrounds in Mogul, next to the highway. There was a large field overlooking the mountains and a valley. At the back end of the field is playgrounds with what you always thought were really neat climbing walls and slides.
You and I, as usual played together, sometimes I chased you and you laughed, and when you were finished playing, we would take a hike around the perimeter of a very hilly park.
Another park I remember was next the Bower's Mansion in Washoe Valley. And, just a short ride north was a state park with a lake and a path up the mountain that the two of us used to explore until you ran out of steam.
At that time, we had our Honda Minivan with all its perks and Backseat Theater. You used to watch Sponge Bob videos and fun movies while I listened to the sounds of your laughter driving the car.
A few years later, when I had the red 4 wheel drive SUV, and when a drought had emptied Washoe Lake, you, Russell and I drove the car completely across the dry lakebed and back. It was quite a thrill. And, we didn't see any fish.
Another destination that was more rare was near Verdi, where we parked on the edge of a wooded grove, got out of the car and walked to a creek. Once we negotiated the crossing, we climbed a huge hill to the top where I used to tease you with stories about prehistoric mini monsters living in the slate gray rocks at the top. You seemed fascinated and always wanted me to find one of the monsters.
On one of our trips up, you found what you thought was a tiny growing monster, picked it up and asked if you could take it home. Once home, I found you a glass jar and you filled the bottom with sand and a small rock and placed the little monster on the top. I still have the jar and have never once disturbed your mysterious fantasy.
Guess you can tell how much fun we had together.
I love you both and am very, very proud of you.
Dad
April 24, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell
How would you like to hear about your great grandfather?
He was the runt of the family, short in physical size compared to his brothers and sisters but tall in spirit, compassion and generosity.
Your grandfather spent his career as a clothing manufacturer. The name of his factory was Reece, Incorporated. It was an enormous building in the South end of Baltimore off of Monroe Street. I remember the factory well, for when I was a child, needing pajamas, your great grandmother used to take me to the factory and together we would board a freight elevator in a dusty hallway and proceed to one of the upper floors. We exited onto a large room with many sewing machines and lots of noise. It seemed really confusing to me and intimidating. Your grandmother was quickly greeted by a workman who inquired as to what he could do for us. Your great grandmother would ask him to show us to the room manufacturing pajamas and direct us to children's sizes ready for shipment. She would search through boxes until she found the style, color and size that she felt would best fit me, the boxes were wrapped and carried back to the elevator and out to a waiting cab for a ride home.
I had so many pajamas, that I think is the reason why I eventually began not to like wearing them and began sleeping in my underwear.
Your great grandfather lived not far from the factory at a house in west Baltimore at 1808 W. Lafayette Ave. It was a corner row house with big bay windows, marble steps and a garden in the back. His habit was to walk to work everyday which gave him exercise.
Your great grandfather was a prosperous and generous man. It was with his financial help, that his sisters were able to remain in their country home and your Uncle Ray was able to attend Hopkins Medical School.
He was also able to send all three of his sons, your great uncles Robert (Rob), Walter and your grandfather to a prestigious Ivy League school, University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia and do so during the depression during the 1930's. All three brothers went on to study at the prestigious Wharton School of Business and finance.
Summers were spent playing, swimming and boating at your great grandparent's summer home at Solomons Island, a small Island on the Patuxent River that led into the Chesapeake Bay. There are stories about your grandfather and his brothers visiting the president, Roosevelt at the time, when his yacht, the Sequoia, anchored on weekends in front of their house. From their row boat, they would offer the President part of their day's catch of blue crabs and fish and were invited onboard. Apparently, they became quite friendly with the president, who returned the favor by spending story telling social time with them.
Do you think you would like to hear more about your great grandfather?
He died quite suddenly of perhaps complications of a congenital heart problem that I inherited. Though not debilitating, neither your great grandfather nor I have ever had physical stamina, could not run far and would become quickly out of breath. I don't think I ever shared that with either of you.
Anyway, there are many good stories to tell, and it seems, I am the last family member who knows the entire history. I'd like for both of you to know that history also.
I love you both and am very, very proud of you.
Dad
April 23, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell
Today I would like to tell you a little more about your Family.
Russell, I often thought that of all the family, you resembled your great great Uncle Ray, the orthopedic surgeon who was a celebrity in the Baltimore medical world. He studied with William Spence Baer who founded the orthopedic specialty at Hopkins. Less than 5 years after Uncle Ray finished at Hopkins, he was honored as one of the youngest people ever to become a faculty member at Hopkins Medical School. He retained his seat at Hopkins until he died in 1978. His real passion was in his private practice. Originally, Uncle Ray's office was in a beautiful Romanesque designed mansion at the corner of St. Paul and East Preston Streets. Uncle Ray was a humanitarian and the motto of his practice was "Never let a patient represent a fee". Many whom he helped were never able to pay, but his service was rendered the same as if they were millionaires. He also helped to found Children's Hospital in Baltimore where he focused on kids with Polio. After my 1971 motor cycle accident, which nearly cost me my leg and life, I spent some time at that hospital being fitted with a leg brace and learning to walk.
Uncle Ray pioneered today's practice of training nurses in Orthopedics and many were sufficiently skilled that they could even do routine procedures. His name and portrait hang in the lobby of Johns Hopkins Hospital on South Broadway. He was a great inspiration to me growing up.
Jeffrey, I hope you enjoyed learning about your great, great Uncle Ray.
One of the few remaining photos of your great, great grandfather Frederick's family is in the photo shared today. The house in the background is outside of Baltimore and was the family home. It still stands to this day. Not counting bathrooms, hallways and kitchen, the house had 18 rooms. I remember your great, great aunts and uncles gathering for family time and meals on Sundays. When I could escape sitting in their parlor, I would play in the pear grove behind the house. The pears in the Fall were great. Your Great, Great Aunts, Lessie, Nettie and Mamie never worked. Everyone spoke German and English, but preferred English. The house was lavishly decorated with overstuffed chairs, wonderful art works and Persian rugs on hardwood floors. During prohibition, the fruit trees in the yard provided the ingredients for your family to make wine in their basement. When Mamie died, I was left all the remaining wine stored in huge bottles that sat on the floor.
They were my family and your heritage family. Your genes and looks partially came from them, especially you Russell. Jeffrey, you strongly resemble your grandmother and Great Grandmother. Most of your family had blue eyes, mine for some reason were hazel. But clearly Jeffrey, you inherited your eyes from the your great, great grandfather's family and your grandmother.
Was this good information for the two of you?
I have many, many stories I could tell you about the history of your family. Maybe we will explore your great grandfather in the next story.
I love you both and am very, very proud of you.
Dad
April 22, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell,
Sorry to miss writing a message to you yesterday. I have been telling you both that I have some serious health problems and was not feeling well enough to sit and write. But I thought about you both all day.
Do both of you remember all the times you came to me when you were having problems with school work and needed help? Well I do and I saved all the documents of your school work. Most of the time you needed help writing book reports or other writing tasks.
Russell, I remember when you were at Galena and needed help on a book report. You were in your sophomore year and had an assignment to write on LANDMARK OF DOOM V ‐ THE UNPREPARED CRISIS. You said you didn't know how to approach the report so I showed you how and you wrote a great report and got an A.
Here is part of what you wrote:
It was a long journey overseas. You knew the island of Ilitban was inhabited by your enemies, and you were quick to create a monstrous fortress the enemy stood no chance against.
Well at least thats what you THOUGHT. After realizing you had provided no food for your peasants, you created a sea‐side farming area complete with a dock for trading with the mainland.
I gave you help with your writing skills but you did the rest.
When you were at UNR, several times you came to me for help with reports and writing tasks. Here are but a few:
Madrigal Paper regarding poetry
Book report On Tyranny
Handel's Rinaldo
Age of Enlightenment
Others
Do you remember any of this?
Now Jeffrey here are a few titles that I helped you write at Hunstburger and Pine.
Remember Artemis Fowl Eternity Code
Here is part of what you wrote:
Several months after the events in the Artic Incident, thirteen‐year‐old criminal mastermind Artemis Fowl II is now stuck at a boarding school, but that still doesn't stop him from carrying out his dirty plans, and after this, he's going straight.
Legend, by Marie Lu ‐ Here is part of what I helped you write.
As the story begins it starts from Daniel's perspective, where he is a top wanted criminal who had never killed anyone, only helped others out of trouble and done harmless thefts and robberies. He has a friend whom he found a long time ago in a dumpster in an alleyway, a girl named Tess.
Remember these other book reports:
Ceopatra VII
Molly Moons Incredible Book of Hypnotism
Selene The Moon Goddess
Phantasy Tollbooth
Pompeii
Others
Russell and Jeffrey, you don't know how much I miss helping you both with your school work, getting reports together and special projects. Those were some of my best memories when I was able to help you get through school.
Tomorrow another topic.
I love you both and am very, very proud of you.
Dad
April 18, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell
After 25 years, Russell, your baby crib, which sat on the side of the house in the weather, was finally removed to the city dump. For me, it was a very sad occasion as I had such wonderful memories of you sleeping next to my bed as a baby and waking up with joy every morning.
The crib was made of oak and had been given to your mother and me by your godfather John, who died when you were but 2 years old.
The oak wood of your crib matched the oak bedroom furniture in our bedroom.
You were a sound sleeper, only getting fed during your first months home. When I placed you in your crib, I used to sing a song to you. I recently posted it and its on your archive page. Do you remember the song?
So many memories.
Your mom and I spent a lot of time researching high chairs and finally settled on one that had white padded seat and back and was considered state of the art. Both your mom and I took turns at feeding you and I have to admit she had a better technique. Of course, you only had the highest quality meals from grocery stores such as Giant and Eddies, which was a premier grocery store.
Jeffrey, when you were born, in Truckee Hospital in Nevada County, your mother decided on a different strategy with your sleeping. Since she fed you throughout the night, it was decided that you would take my place in bed and you slept as a baby next to your mom. I spent the next year on the black sectional sofa with a pillow and a blanket. It was the sacrifice that I made for your best quality of life.
And look how wonderful you turned out. No body could be more proud of you than I am. When you awakened in the morning, it was my habit to retrieve you from your bed and read you books while you sat in my lap in the gold easy chair. Those days were precious.
There was a portable play pen that sat on the floor with a cushioned bottom and playful toys attached to the top. With open net sides, you had the full view of the room and always watched me with great concentration and interest.
Watching you grow and learn to turn over and then start to stand and walk were events that I saw close up as you spent much time in my computer room office during the day.
Often I would put a CD such as Peter and the Wolf or other animated game into the computer, turned it on and watched your reaction. I remember a big grin and laughter.
It makes me very sad now not to see you. You both were and still are the entire focus of my life and always will be.
After 22 years, I continue to live in the house where the two of you spent most of your years. I’ve never once touched either your room or Russell's since the day you both left me. And, unless forced to do it, I vowed not to touch or change your room until the day you return.
The only thing I do is dust and clean your rooms, just as though you both were still here.
I love you and am very, very proud of you.
Dad
April 16, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell,
Today I was both in pain from work beyond my years and feeling sadness for the loneliness I feel without my family.
But, I did want to talk to you both again.
I see Jeffrey that your school is calling you back for classes and band practice. I really hope you have the option of school or zoom classes. The mask is extremely unhealthy, causes you to breath in the chemical particles of polypropylene that breaks down and your exhaled bacteria. Only a lunatic would be complicit, and there are plenty of lunatics right now, especially in California, a state of tyranny.
And, anyone stupid enough to take this hoax they fraudulently call a vaccine is asking for severe health problems down the road. Most likely exaggerated immune responses that have a strong potential of killing you.
Even at 2 years old, I was a critical thinker.
I met and talked at length with Dr. Andrew Kaufmann, a well known doctor who tells the truth. I also talked to Dr. Mark McDonald in Los Angeles. They both confirm to me that this whole pandemic is a virtual hoax playing on the reckless and weak minded fears of a willfully ignorant public.
I did not raise either of you to believe this bolox.
So, since you refuse to talk with me, I am panicked that you may be forced into doing something you know is not right.
My role as your dad is to protect you. And, had you allowed me to, you both had your bedrooms at my house, food and comforts that would have preserved your quality of life and integrity. I would have even given up the house to your mom who could have lived here comfortably with me nearby. You would have had my car to use and the RDX, which is still a fine running car. That was my plan, but no one would talk with me. And, the worst happened, as I was rejected by you for false reasons without any explanation.
Don't you think this has gone on long enough?
If you read yesterday's message, you know that I have opportunities for both of you, and your mom, and you would have choices, which is the best a father could do for you.
Please be careful and do what I always taught you to do. Think Critically and don't believe in mass public hysterical stories until you consider the real evidence and facts.
OK?
I love you both and am very, very proud of you.
Dad
April 15, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell
Would you two like to join me in working with elder musicians?
I heard that you both wanted me to share more about my work activities so now I am sharing.
The business planning has taken almost 5 years. I have a New York Capital company doing the fund raising for a village of initially 250 2000 sq. ft. houses in a craftsman style to sit overlooking a large lake. There sill be 500 elder musicians who will occupy the houses and will on a schedule be called to perform in a casual setting in a performing arts center, also on the lake, where patrons will dine and drink wine seated next to the stage area.
A wellness center will be built that will include exercise opportunities, swimming pool and skilled nursing beds. A physician will be hired to dedicate health care services to the 500 residents on a full time basis.
Finally, Marriott will build a hotel and golf course for patrons of the arts. The village will have a 19th century style with squares, parking and retail available.
Everything in the village will be based on green technology, including gardens and power plant.
You may be asking yourselves, how your dad has the know how to put this project together?
Can you find your relatives in this photo at our Company meeting?
Well, another part of the puzzle about your family you should know. Your family started, built and ran a major insurance company started unchartered in 1898 and chartered officially around 1920 in 40 states. It grew to become global. My relation to the company was through your relatives,, uncles, aunts and your grandfather. In the 1960's and early 70's, I was engaged with a huge project organized and partly funded by the insurance company partnered with Connecticut General Life Insurance. Your grandfather, and your great Uncle Walter were involved in the project and so were many of your other relatives. I was able to attend architectural plan meetings and see the entire vision which was to be implemented by a company in Baltimore and funded by your family’s insurance companies. The project was the town of Columbia, Maryland which followed a previous success in Reston, Virgiinia, 18 miles west of Washington, D.C.
So, my ideas, knowledge base along with my background in experimental psychology and life long interest in architecture were the fuel for the vision to improve the quality of life for elder people starting with a niche community for musicians.
I always intended to share the project with both of you, as our family's past successes were always built on family connections and support. It is still my dream to see the two of you working in this project and others that would spawn from its success.
I had the sad misfortune of a train wreck of a project working with a culture that I did not fully understand. It was the last project of my former friend, colleague and graduate school advisor, John Cull, who on his deathbed asked if I would try to deliver his project. It was a huge mistake. But, it paid the bills for you, your mom and many of those unaffordable but wonderful globe trotting trips that she arranged. I know you both saw the world, but had more care been taken with finances, the 2018 crisis could have been averted.
At least you both got to see the world and that was educational.
I love you both and am very proud of you.
Dad
April 13, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell
Trying to remove a tree yesterday, I injured myself and am having difficulty walking and have considerable pain. Not sure what to do. But I am obviously not going to sprint down the street.
I previously wrote you Russell, told you that I needed your help, but you ignored me. Knowing your loss of empathy, I forgive you and love you always.
Today, I am going to ramble a bit.
I saw a photo of Jeffrey sitting in his red wagon. Remember Jeffrey how I used to pull you in your wagon around and around the yard. You seemed to enjoy the wagon ride as much as any ride at the amusement park.
Before you became a Disney member, I used to take you to Idlewild Park and the State Fair grounds whenever they set up an amusement park with rides. One of your favorite times was the large slide at Idlewild when it was set up next to the little train. Once you started, it was hard to get you off long enough to exit the park. You had a lot of fun.
Russell, you were always fascinated at Train Day in Truckee. You boarded every car on the train and seemed especially interested in the private luxury coach. We spent most of the day walking around the train yard and examining some really unusual rollng stock, especially the snow plow train.
Several times I drove you on the old Donner Pass Road up a steep elevation where you could get a close up view of the train tunnels. Occasionally, a Freight or Passenger train would meander through the tunnel and it reminded you of the days watching trains at Pennsylvania Station in Baltimore. And, don’t forget Russell, the 26th Street Tunnel Train where you used to squeal with anticipation as the big engine roared out of the tunnel. What fun! And of course, Russell, Baltimore gave us the chance to visit the train Town, Strasburg, Pennsylvania. Remember the train rides, the great milkshakes and the huge model railroad display?
We always bought you toys and trains in Strasburg, a trip we took every Fall of the year beginning when you were 2 years old. You were always so mesmerized with the big steam engines that I feared you might do something dangerous, so I held you hand tightly and often held you close, especially when a large engine passed by.
The train ride through the Amish Farm valley was really an unforgettable trip.
I love you both and am very, very proud.
Let's please talk, OK?
Dad
April 11, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell
I am going to tell you a little about myself and also share some things that I have never told you or your mom.
As you were told Jeffrey and Russell, the unimaginable emotional stress from sadness of being erased from your lives is slowly taking its toll on my health. I experience physical pain now on almost a daily basis. Some days it is so bad that I can barely function. At my age, it is harder to recover. So yesterday I was unable to write to you, but thought about you all day as always.
The lesson I have learned is that family is more important than anything else in life. It is precious. When I raised the two of you, it was my whole reason to live and my sole focus to ensure your safety, happiness and protection,
As a family, we were not always as financially secure as I would have liked. And, after we moved to Reno, I wanted to return to my academic roots with traineing in experimental psychology during the 1980's. I was in my early 30's. That decision later in 1999 caused me to re‐connect with my former colleague and graduate school advisor John Cull. Together we pursued a vision to restore integrity to the lives of elder people. It would require committed investors to ensure the capital necessary to fund a professional staff.
Your grandfather became very interested in the project and offered to help. He set up a fund that allowed John and me to bring together a world class staff of leading business people and
professionals, including Terry Ivany, former head of the Canadian National Railway, Terry Toran, former Chief Financial Officer of Marriott, Paul Wilging, a pioneer in the field of senior housing
at Hopkins and others of equal stature. Through my academic contacts, I was able to attract the help of Aubrey Daniels, a former student of the great psychologist B.F. Skinner and the Rehab
Department of the Medical College of Virginia where we held 2 national conferences on the issues of aging and presented our papers on the paradigm shift in lifestyle changes that were being
proposed. The conferences confirmed and overwhelmingly validated our approach.
Your grandfather, who was chairman of the board, wanted to pursue patent protection for our unique methods to change the long term care model into one that would provide a meaningful quality of life.
We spent 7 years on research and development, produced a 200 page funding plan and received two offers with term sheets, one from Wachovia Bank and another from Johns Hopkins.
We were ready to go until my sad and unhinged sister, operating with her then future husband, for pure spite and envy and other reasons decided to sabotage our project. Because of early childhood experiences, my sister had lifelong repressed hostility for my father and me. She spied on my dad's phone calls, routinely went through his private papers and even once falsely accused my dad of business improprieties that shut down his real estate business for 6 months. Her behavior was as puzzling as it was senseless. My dad was a strong man and managed somehow to forgiver her. But he did not ever forgive my sister for her work in destroying our elder care project which estranged my dad so much that he quietly hired an attorney to protect his business and personal life from further mischief.
Jeffrey and Russell, your mom never really knew any details about this train wreck. My dad was a man of endless hope and resolve, a great man by any measure, and simply wanted to see us put the train back on the tracks and prevail.
My family was broken.
Russell and Jeffrey. Now you know why I am so determined to resurrect our family. Once the emotional support is shattered, you will suffer quietly with unanswered questions and emotional confusion, even unexplained anger for the rest of your lives.
Clearly there is a story that has been either planted in your grandparents' heads by some nefarious and manipulative person, such as my sister, her husband or a former vengeful girlfriend or they simply made up a litany of evil stories to weaponize you two to hurt me. That is what people with abusive childhoods grow up to do. They have narcissistic personalities, act imperious, project their own troubles on others, never accept responsibility for their transgressions, never say thank you and certainly never express regrets. They are cunningly manipulative, have few friends and enjoy the power of emotionally tormenting others.
My sister was one.
Do you think you know any others?
I love you both and am very proud of you.
Dad
April 8, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell,
I am late posting today because of chronic pain that has gripped me for about a day. Hopefully it will pass.
I wanted to talk with you today about our days enjoying great meals.
Whether I cooked for you at home or out at a restaurant, we always ate well. You both were big steak eaters but also loved Italian food.
Remember your favorite restaurants, Macaroni Grill was our Sunday Stop, Rapscallions for Seafood, The Grill for Steaks, occasionally Bricks for gourmet steaks, Red Robin for Hamburgers and Shakes and of course, for laughs, The Texas Road House, sort of fast food but not bad.
Seems that we shared the same taste buds. And, always 3 courses, appetizers, main meal and deserts. You both ate like you were starved.
Strawberry/raspberry Lemonade was the regular drink for both of you. You each had at least two servings.
And when we traveled, food was both controversial and an adventure. Whenever we were in doubt we did Chinese food. Remember Yen Yen in Cocoa Beach?
When the Washoe was open, Russell and You Jeffrey were known by first names by the entire staff. Sandy, Kevin and Trevor frequently waited on us. They knew you two so well that when we were seated, they had your drinks ready at the table. In spite of you both being celebrities at the Washoe, neither of you seemed to take notice of your prestige with the staff. They always seemed over joyed to see us and we always had a great time.
As I don't wear a mask and don't buy the story of Covid, I must order most of my food and have it delivered. So, I carry a stock of food that I ordered with both of you in mind, from Omaha Steaks. The entire freezer is packed with great steaks, lobster tails, seafood and deserts from Omaha steaks. Some of my steaks such as rib eyes and filet Mignons I hesitate to eat thinking that any day one of you will suddenly show up to your home and be hungry. I know it seems silly to you, but to me, the idea that you would come home to your see your dad is a hope that I can never give up.
With that said, I love you both and am very proud of you.
Dad
April 7, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell
Thought I would turn my attention back on the time Russell and I spent time at your grandparents Beach House at Long Beach Island. From the time you were about 3 years old, we took a family trip to the island usually for a week or more.
If you remember the house, it was 2 floors with a large front porch and rocky sand mix back yard. In the garage were kept beach equipment and toys that you used each day. Because you were sensitive to the sun, we spent early mornings and late afternoons playing on the beach and swimming in the ocean. You had a nap during the mid day and when you woke up, always ready to go.
Your mom always avoided the sun, so most of your day time at the beach was with me. Your favorite games on the beach involved your playing with big wheel trucks that could carry sand in a way that you pretended to have a construction company similar to your computer game, Big Action Construction. Remember Ernie?
When you wanted a bigger challenge, you asked me for help. I would dig tunnels and build mountains in the sand where you quickly put to good use with your toys. You had a vivid imagination.
One day on the beach you met a little boy close to your age who became a beach playmate and friend. As I watched after you, the two of you fearlessly ran over the sand and played together at the edge of the water. It was one of your first friendships.
As your birthday was in July, we always planned your trip on that week. You celebrated your birthday at the dinning table with cake and presents under the watchful eyes of your grandparents, your mom and me. You always enjoyed your birthdays and the cake was always from a special bakery near home made of marble pound cake with white icing. Yum!
In the evenings, your mom and I would take you into the town where there was an amusement park. Together, You and I rode the Ferris wheel and the bumper cars. Your mom rode on a flying plane and merry go round. We bought drinks and food, especially ice cream cones, and you were in a constant state of anticipation and fun.
As long as I live, I will never forget those days at the beach.
I love you both and am very proud of you.
Papa
April 6, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell
Today I would like to talk about a really fun trip on Spring Break when Jeffrey and I spent the week touring the caves and mines of east central California.
Jeffrey, do you remember me picking you up at your mom's house and with your bags in the car, drove down towards Gold Country California and stopped to take a tour at the Black Chasm Cavern. There we descended a long circular stair way to the floor of the cavern and were directed to a wooden platform where we were told about the Helictites, crystal like formations that sparkled like stars. It was an incredible sight. We were directed on a tour of several other interesting features including large limestone forms hanging from the ceiling. At the end of the tour, we ascended the stairs, got back into our car and headed south to Angel's Camp and checked into our hotel, a nice suite with two large rooms, one where you had a desk where you set up your laptop and played games and laughed with your friends before bedtime.
The next day, after breakfast, we headed off to our next adventure, Murphy's California to see Mercer Caverns where we descended over 400 steps to see the spiky aragonite crystals that were features in 3 large rooms where our tour group was directed. Remember the large room called Bridal Veil? There we saw an underground stream that gave a musty odor. The entire room was a golden color of all kinds of wonderful formations. After our morning tour of Murphy's Cavern, we drove into the town of Murphy's and found a restaurant called Country Corner where we sat outside and ate lunch. You had your favorite meal, a hamburger with a raspberry lemonade.
After lunch, we decided to take a drive east of the town to the Calaveras Big Tree park where we got to walk through an amazing forest of incredibly huge trees. As we explored, we stumbled upon one tree with a large hole in the trunk, large enough for a car to pass through. There you stood in your red shirt where I captured you in several photos. You were wide eyed with amazement exploring the forest and kept asking if we would stumble on a bear. We did not find a bear, but did see several beehives with dancing bees.
Back at our Hotel we decided to have find a restaurant that served pizza. Not far from the hotel, we found a place that specialized in gourmet pizzas where you devoured the lion's share of the pizza.
Next day we headed south to explore the Moaning Caverns where we walked down several stone floor ramps connected by stairs about 165 feet to an immense room where we heard the moaning echoes caused by underground wind pressure. We also saw adventurous people crawling through small openings through a maze of tunnels that all led back to the main room. On the cave floor we saw an exhibit of gem stones and objects that had been found in the cavern. This was a really interesting day followed by a car tour of several lakes south of our Angel's Camp Hotel. We arrived back just before dark and together found a restaurant that served steak, where you had a rib‐eye with French fries and your favorite lemonade drink.
Our final day we packed and headed off on our journey home.
The two of us were filled with memories of great moments of wonderful and amazing experiences learning about the earth's mysteries.
I dropped you off at your mom's house and said good bye until our next visit.
Would you like to take that trip again Jeffrey?
It might be a great way for us to get back together again.
I love you and Russell very much and am proud of both of you.
Dad
NOTE!
JEFFREY AND RUSSELL - ONCE AGAIN IT IS A HOLIDAY. I PREFER NOT TO ENGAGE ON FAMILY HOLIDAYS
AS YOU ARE MY FAMILY. SO I WILL RETURN AS SOON AS I FEEL READY AND, IF NOT,
ALWAYS REMEMBER. LOVE YOU BOTH WITH ALL MY HEART!
April 2, 2021 ‐ Easter Weekend
Hi Jeffrey and Russell
Today I'd like to talk about Russell's early years in Baltimore, especially his home.
Russell, we had some wonderful experiences when you were little that are unforgettable. Our home was very comfortable, had large rooms filled with great artwork, accessories, beautiful rugs and furnishings.
The night you were born, your mother and I went to Mercy Hospital where we had a private room and a lounge chair for me to wait for your arrival. It was a warm night and a long night, as we arrived around 9:00 ‐ 10:00 p.m. on July 17 and you arrived around 6:00 a.m. in the morning. It felt it was the greatest moment in my life.
Once you were born, a nurse placed you in a small glass crib while they attended to your mom. I walked over to you, placed my finger next to your hand and you latched on to my finger. That was when you and I first bonded.
The same day, we packed you into our car and drove you home where your crib was ready in a house full of cheer. What I remember most about your baby days was that you rarely cried and always seemed happy. Of course, your mom and I never let you out of our sight and you were surrounded with constant affection and attention.
Remember Simon the Persian Cat?
You were fascinated with Simon, even though Simon rarely moved around. Simon and you quickly bonded and you showed your first expressions of affection and care about another creature at a very early age. Your virtues of your caring only grew stronger over time.
Your first birthday was a huge occasion. I drove 40 miles to a special bakery to retrieve a custom marble pound cake for your birthday. You had a birthday celebration sitting in your high chair with cake and lots of really neat presents. I could not have been more proud of you.
In your 2nd year, you had a Christmas train garden around the tree. You and I would sit in a leather chair next to your trains and together watch them run circles around the tree. You were mesmerized. Soon after your 2nd Christmas we experienced a very large snow storm which shut down the entire city. This was your first opportunity to walk in the snow and be pulled around the neighborhood on a sled. What fun!
Our home was where we bonded. You were the center of my universe. Together we watched TV shows, Thomas the Tank, Mr. Rogers and cartoons. We read books, played on the floor and sat arm in arm when you were asleep.
Never did you want for any attention. You were a dream son to me and still are.
I love both Jeffrey and you very much and am extremely proud that you are my sons.
Papa
April 1, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell,
This morning an application updated on my phone called Doodle Jump. Do you remember playing that game Jeffrey? It was one of your favorites and many times, while waiting for food at restaurants, you occupied yourself playing Doodle Jump. Of course there were other games as well.
To pick up where I left off on yesterday's discussion, our trip home from Florida, we left Cocoa Beach and proceeded to a hotel inside the Orlando Airport where we spent the night before flying home the next day. Russell flew on a separate flight and left before you, Jeffrey, and me. You and I boarded our flight about mid day and had a long layover in Denver, Colorado. You had homework due the next day and the two of us went to a quiet restaurant, got out your school books, pencils and paper and worked and finished your homework before boarding our final leg of the flight home.
Because you were in a bit of a rush, I had to help you with some of your homework problems. But it all worked out and you seemed to have a burden lifted from your shoulders.
When we arrived home, your mom met you and you were off to spend the return to school week with her. The following Friday, I retrieved you and we proceeded to one of your favorite restaurants, Macaroni Grill, where as usual you ate up a storm, appetizer, main course followed by a desert. And, of course a raspberry lemonade.
Arriving back at the house, your typical routine was to change your clothes to comfort clothes and start playing games on your laptop.
Your favorite games at that time were all on the Steam platform. And, you had a lot of games. Remember how you used to introduce me to your games and wanted me to sit close and watch? What impressed me the most was your ability and skill to learn the tactics of new games quickly. You were faster and better than I was. And, you always wanted me to play your games, but usually on another computer. Those were fun times and with the new XBOX, the two of us collaborated as dual players on many games. You became an expert at Minecraft, Kingdom and other challenging games.
I was always very proud of you and, whenever we were together, focused all my attention on you, as I did also with Russell.
Of course, Russell, who was going through his self-conscious phase, was an avid gamer and played with his friends on-line. Remember how you often helped Connor learn new games and sometimes gave Connor games as gifts? You were always a very generous and kind person.
Tomorrow we will move on to another adventure.
In the meantime,
I love you both and am very, very proud of you.
Dad
March 31, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell
On our fun Florida Trip we traveled to two other destinations, both in the Cape Kennedy (Canaveral) area, a self‐drive nature preserve and the Space Center.
The nature park was a windy road through an undisturbed marsh land with salt water ponds and exotic wildlife. Do you two remember the alligators in the swamps, wild boar (pigs) and the many species of birds. How about the Egrets and Pellicans? We would drive for a brief period and then stop, get out of the car and observe all the wild beasts. I kept a very close eye on both of you for fear that an unexpected confrontation, but fortunately that never happened.
What I remember from that nature ride and our walks was your curiosity and attention to virtually every detail in view. Several times, Russell, you would shout out alerting me to stop the car and watch a new strange creature. I especially remember the Armadillo crossing the road. What an interesting animal, and it makes a sound like a growl as I recall.
It was a normal Florida day, humid but mild temperature ideal for our next stop, the Space Center, where we spent an entire afternoon.
We boarded a bus for the tour and again saw tons of alligators in the swampy canals next to the road. At designated points, we exited the bus and spent our time listening and exploring various features of interest. The last stop was a museum where we watched a film and then explored a museum filled with space vehicles, and artifacts from space of every kind, even moon rocks.
At the end of the bus tour, we were dropped off at a theme park with exhibits and a cafeteria style restaurant where we had lunch. I remember filming Jeffrey who as usual put on a show. Russell, being at his self‐conscious stage was shy of being filmed, so for the most part, I left him alone.
I think the last activity we had was to have a professional photo taken of the three of us standing in front of a rocket. I have that photo on my desk and see it every day.
That night, we had dinner at a really great Chinese Restaurant called Yen Yen. It seemed luxurious compared to the Chinese eateries at home.
As usual, both of you ate everything but the table cloth. As I remember it was a great meal and we had a fun time as always.
We were now but several days away from our return flight home.
I'll tell you more about that tomorrow.
I love you and am very, very proud of both of you.
Dad
March 30, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell,
Today, I would like to continue our story of the Cocoa Beach Trip. We left off our visit to the Cocoa Beach pier where there were amusements and eateries. Jeffrey, it was your friends last day at Cocoa Beach and shortly after dinner, we walked out together with his dad, said your goodbye and watched them leave for home. You seemed a little sad at the thought of losing your beach companion.
When we arrived back at our townhouse, you recovered and asked if you could swim in the pool. As it was about 8:00 p.m., I decided to take you for about an hour's fun, sat on the edge of the pool and watched you with goggles swim your heart out. I remember you calling to me, wanting my full attention and talked with me every time you came up for a breath. There was a large replica of a pirate ship next to the pool, and when you exited dashed over to the ship and played your imaginary games and, as was your habit, asked me to join you on the ship and play with you.
We had great fun.
Russell seemed totally content to remain at the townhouse and play computer games. He was getting to an age where he could entertain himself, and enjoyed his pending sense of self-determination. You, Jeffrey, were like my shadow. Wherever I went, you were not far behind me. You and Russell had very different habits at that time.
Around mid‐week, leaving most of our belongings and packing just some basic change of clothes, we traveled to Disney and Epcot, took a room and had a really fun time in both parks. You and Russell together took all the fast rides and I did the slower events with both of you. I remember Epcot where you both designed race cars that you then drove on an elevated track. I could hear laughter and screams of joy loudly echoing throughout the park. When we were Hungry, we chose a German restaurant for lunch. It was very authentically decorated with costumed staff and large dark oak tables. Seemed like all the patrons were holding huge beer glasses and in a jolly mood. The place was very festive and lots of fun. Jeffrey, you were always a clown and when I wasn't looking, you picked up a beer glass and imitated the patrons with a funny facial expression I caught on camera. It was priceless and fun.
The creative side of you Jeffrey always had moments of unexpected playfulness. It was endearing to me. Russell was still at that age where he held back and was a little more serious and probably self‐conscious. But the two of you certainly had a great time.
Tomorrow, we will continue with more on the Florida trip.
I love you both and am very, very proud of you.
Dad
March 29, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell
Today I would like to discuss memories of a really fun trip to the East Coast Ocean.
It was a Spring Break Trip we took to Cocoa Beach Florida. We rented a beach front townhouse in a hotel complex that served meals. The weather was perfect.
We arrived at the Orlando airport very late at night, gathered our luggage and proceeded to drive 35 miles in our rental car to the beach. The first night we discovered that the air conditioning system was broken. So, after breakfast, we moved into another unit closer to the beach. Our first morning, we traveled to pick up some beach supplies and found the Ron Jon Surf Shop, a large store with everything we needed.
We bought beach towels, sunscreen, boogie boards, sunglasses, hats and other clothing. Then it was back to our townhouse and to the beach.
Soon as we found our spot on the beach, close to the water line, Jeffrey with his goggles on and his boogie board was off to the ocean for his first time ever experience (except for time at his grandparent's Long Beach Island Beach House as a newborn baby) on an east coast beach.
Jeffrey, do you remember how warm and inviting the water felt to you?
Without any hesitation, you plunged into the ocean and started to figure out how to use your boogie board.
Russell, you were at an age where you were very self‐conscious and a little reserved in your time on the beach. But, after a few hours, going back and forth to the townhouse, playing your computer games, you finally joined us in the water and had a great time.
Jeffrey, do you remember how I helped you learn to catch waves and ride them to the beach on your board? You had such great fun and soon became an expert on your board. And, a boy about your age was also playing with his dad learning the tricks of surfing. The two of you quickly became friends.
In fact, at the end of the day, we were invited and met with your new friend and his dad over dinner on the Cocoa Beach Pier.
It was all great fun.
It was a long trip and I'll continue telling our story in tomorrow's message.
For now,
I love you both and am very, very proud of you.
Dad
March 28, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell
Yesterday I was hurting from physical pain as a consequence of muscles pulled while trying to remove shrubbery and a tree from the front of our house. As you know, I live completely alone and must do things that are beyond my physical capacities, and I will need to continue this outdoor work for quite some time. That is why I wrote you Russell asking for help. But, after a lifetime of helping you, there was nothing but the sadness of silence.
So let's change the subject.
Do you both remember our car trips exploring many places of interest such as Pyramid Lake and the weekend excursion to Berlin Nevada? The reason why I mention these two destinations is that they both had something in common. I used to talk with both of you help you to understand geology, ancient history and encourage you to see the world in the context of other times. Berlin Nevada and Pyramid Lake were once completely under an ocean of salt water with nearby dinosaurs roaming the landscape. Sea creatures, especially the remnants of a great Ichthyosaur show the evidence of an over 200 million year old mammal similar to today's whales and dolphins. We talked about this one several of our trips and, Jeffrey, you know when the dinosaurs became extinct? From the time you were about 5 years old I repeatedly quizzed you on ancient history that I taught you.
Jeffrey, I would you answer that question about the dinosaur extinction for me? You can send it in a text or email. OK?
Russell, you also should know the answer to that and many other questions about ancient earth.
The tufa formations at Pyramid Lake were also a subject of much discussion. I used to ride you close to the small rock hills where we got out of the car and examined the formations and caves up close. You were both fascinated with fired up imaginations. Everyone of our back road trips was an adventure.
Tomorrow, I will take you on another journey through your memories about our many weekend excursions that were always informative and filled with fun.
I love you both and am very, very proud of you.
Dad
Today this message is directed for you Russell. But this also applies to you Jeffrey. So please read with an open mind. OK?
March 26, 2021
Russell
I may not have been the perfect dad, but I tried to be.
I played with you, clothed you, bought you toys, read you books, watched shows with you, took you to parks, traveled with you to fun places, ate in restaurants, cooked for you, watched trains with you, kept you warm, transported you to school, helped when you were sick and when you could drive, helped you have a car whenever you needed it.
You were the light of my life and still are.
Remember when you were just a baby in a crib. I composed a silly song for you about your room that was painted avocado green, "The Green Room". It went like this ‐
It's the Green Room, the Dream Room Where Everybody Loves to go to sleep. It's the Dream Room, The Green Room, Where Everybody Likes to Play Hide and Seek.
It was a silly song I sang to you every night when I held you and placed you in your crib singing until you fell asleep.
You probably don't remember that song, but I will never forget it.
In the late afternoons, when I returned home from work, you and your mom would be camped out in our sitting room with the large white sofa. You beamed with joy and an unbelievable smile when I entered the room.
From the time I arrived home until you were fed and asleep, we had the same routines. I would sit with you on my lap in the gold arm chair and read you stories and fill your head with fantasies and pictures. We also would sit together on a large Persian rug and play with your toys. I gave you my full attention, virtually every minute until you went to sleep.
And, in warmer weather, I would also take you outside holding you in my arms and walking down to the stream in front of our home. I showed you leaves, threw rocks that skipped across the stream and opened up the world of your imagination. We were always very close to one another, so much so, our two souls blended together and our hearts beat as one.
Now you have changed.
With astonishing suddenness, in the midst of a personal family crisis, you completely threw me away as though all those years and experiences were worth nothing. I became a person crying but unheard from a pain so intense that I wanted to die. It was worse than death.
Day and night, I walked endless miles trying to understand and forget until I fell to my knees with exhaustion. Nothing I did could end the pain of such unimaginable cruelty. With the passing of each holiday, birthday, father's day, I felt a sadness so intense it started to cause physical pain and now all kinds of health problems.
Over and over I asked myself, is this the gentle, warm little boy who always placed concerns for the welfare and needs of others before his self? For years, I watched how you would walk to avoid harming or crushing little bugs and when you saw one in distress, would reach down to help. And, if anyone ever called to you for help, you were always there for them. You were truly a beacon of compassion and a wonderful gentle spirit.
But you now have made an exception. Your dad is no longer a person deserving basic human empathy or compassion.
Instead, I now feel the everyday experience of the brutal torture of tormenting silence. Everyday, I talk to you in my house, hoping you hear me, but when I look around, you are not here. The agony of calling you, writing to you, texting you and emailing you has literally worn me out emotionally, till I just want to die.
Is that what you want?
Either through health decline or other means, you may soon get your wish.
Your friends have all allied with your anger. Attempting to understand what happened, I try to talk with them and they treat me with unbelievable disrespect, disdain, hostility, anger and venom. (Even Jeffrey's friends have called me a "creepy stalker", just for watching my son practice his marching band)
How do you think that feels? Did I do something to deserve this?
Is this really what the end of my life and years of uncompromising love and care for you have come to?
When I think of my own father, your grandfather, in his final days suffering in hospice, I sacrificed everything to spend his last moments alive with him. And, we talked about you, Jeffrey and your Mom. There was never a time when I refused a call, did not acknowledge a gift or express words of kindness to my dad. After all, I am still one‐half my dad and you are one‐half me. Nothing will ever change that.
So Russell, how do I end this letter? Better question is how do we put an end to this awful episode in our lives?
If you are OK living with the knowledge of how such cruelty affects me, your dad, then you will also have to live with the emotional consequences one day when I die. Everyday I suffer like this will hasten the inevitable.
My only request is to please search your soul, think about what is happening and how it is tearing me, your dad, apart. And try to find in your heart the will to treat me as a human being, the person who raised you and has always held you as the most important person in my life.
I love you and am very, very proud of you.
Papa
P.S. Please see your website: www.hopeindarkness.net
I have a special request Russell. Asking Again!
As an older dad aged 73, I am not as healthy as I would like to be. I have some house work that requires lifting and bending that is very hard and painful for me. I need your help. Would you be kind enough to at least let me know if you will help me? And, not just your silence.
March 25, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell,
Today I want to talk about our many, many fun times at San Rafael Park. Do you two remember how from young years to later years, you both played together and no matter how old, were always children? Seems every time we visited the park, the minute we exited the car, the two of you took off running and playing silly games, hide and seek, catch me if you can and other activities.
One at least one occasion, the two of you pretended that your cell phones were guns and used them in a way similar to a water gun fight. Sometimes, I participated in your prankish foolery. But I always tried to keep the pace going forward, walking sometimes ahead of you and directing you to follow so that we could hike through the park.
We visited in every season of the year. Summertime, there was the log water rides where the two of you got soaking wet. Fall was the incredible display of color and briskness in the air that inspired you both to exhaust all your energies chasing one another around. And, I will never forget Russell, when seeing a bug or small animal would stop and study it with great interest. Often times, Russell, you would bend down and with the great gentleness either pick up a bug or help it with a task or obstacle. It said a lot about you as a caring and compassionate human being.
At the west end of the park was a playground with large climbing tubes like tunnels. Jeffrey, when you were about 5‐8 years old, I remember you playing a game hiding from me in the tunnels. When I would find you and reach for you, you would squeal with delight. You would exit the tunnel and run quickly to another location and want me to continue to chase you. It was unbelievable fun.
Can we have these experiences again? I'll bet we can. I don't think the two of you will ever outgrow the playfulness we enjoyed through all the years of your growing up.
Remember how I taught you both about changing leaves and seasons? And do you also remember how I explained the connection to life cycles?
What a great time for us. Our closeness made us a happy, secure and rich family beyond question.
Till tomorrow,
I love you both and am very, very proud of you
Dad
March 24, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell,
Let me digress today and tell you a little about myself.
After your late 60's, my body began to show signs of decline. Simple movements such as bending down to pick up a pencil off the floor, using my arms to reach for an object on a high shelf, standing up after being on my knees and even walking comes with the price of increasing pain and difficulty.
At this time of life, I am realizing that I may need help just to survive.
And, because of a state of sudden and unexpected trauma, which is perpetual, reactive things happen to my body such as unexplainable skin rashes, cold sweats and rapid heart rate. Fortunately, these visceral experiences are periodic, but increasing in frequency. But, a change in emotional state, the doctors' claim, will change that. In the meantime, I just adapt.
Fortunately, your mom, who is also aging, and your grand parents have the benefit of your exclusive help. I am sure that is comforting to them.
Aside from my health, I remain active most of the day with continuing work on the last project of my life, the elder musicians community. Of course, with the unexpected global chaos, there are significant delays and that is unfortunate. As you know, I always envisioned this project stabilizing your financial futures and providing an opportunity for long‐term employment doing really humanitarian and cultural work. I always envisioned this project as a research opportunity to demonstrate important lessons about how to better finance people in their old age and to increase quality of life through enabling extended family participation in their lives.
Dad at age 17. What do you think, Jeffrey and Russell?
I am hopeful we will be soon talking about these issues face to face. At this point, regardless of the court, there will be reconciliation. Jeffrey and Russell, you will always be one‐half your mom and one‐half me for the rest of your lives. Right now you are waging a cruel war against one‐half of yourselves.
Over the last 2 years of silence, I have had many occasions to talk with other kids, teenagers and young adults who have gone through the same experiences you both have endured. They all say the same thing, that they repressed their true emotions about one parent to comply with the circumstances required for them to peacefully survive with the other. When the opportunity for contact with their alienated mom or dad arrived, they quickly accepted them back into their lives, without therapy. Underneath the faςade of your acts of ignoring your dad, there is and always will be your authentic self, as represented with great sincerity and power throughout this website. This website is the truth about the 3 of us. A picture is worth 1000 words, and the story about us is the opposite of what you have been sadly compelled to believe.
To be irrationally angry and always prepared to act cruelly against your dad while knowing his pain means that you cannot possibly be comfortable with this situation. No truly compassionate or empathetic human could. Unless they have experienced a history of childhood abuse and have become cruelly pathological.
Do you know anyone like that?
I'll bet you do. We talked about it for years. In fact, your mom talked about her own childhood abuses that lasted long after college on countless occasions. You both know that is sad but true.
Instead of dwelling on the past, why don't we try to fix this? Not one person among the 4 of us benefits in any way from this awful situation. And, I am here to help, ready at a moment's notice to spring to action, meet with both of you and put this episode behind us.
It is not good and, except for the people who have been recruited by you to falsely support this tragedy, not one of the formerly alienated people with whom I have spoken believes this is in your best interest.
You both know how to contact me. Don't wait any longer.
I love you both and am very, very proud of you.
Dad
March 23, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell,
Today I was thinking about how the three of us were such great companions and gourmets visiting many great restaurants. You both always had enormous appetites. In fact, it was a rare meal out that you didn't eat appetizers, main course and finish off with a dessert. And, you both had adventurous and sophisticated tastes in food.
Russell, remember when you and I would visit the Washoe, an almost weekly trip. You always ordered Elk Sausage, even when you were but 6 years old, very mature choice for your age. And, you were never afraid of trying new selections on the menu.
First order was always a pink lemonade drink followed by staring at the menu and waiting for appetizers. Seemed anytime you could get a steak, that was first preference for both of you. Prime Rib, Rib Eye, and Filet Mignon were your favorite cuts.
We ate out sometimes twice a week, so much so, that the restaurant staffs knew both of you by your first names. You had great table manners and were always polite and courteous. I was always so proud to be your dad. Our times out were such fun, that I often wished our time out would linger, and sometimes it did with great conversation.
On special holidays I always made reservations at the premium buffets at the Atlantis 2nd floor. I watched with amazement the two of you copying me and eating many of the more exotic servings. Shrimp, scallops and crab legs were always on your plates. And, you had a wide variety of experiences from traditional American, seafood to Chinese and Korean.
Never have I forgotten one minute of our times together and hope that we will soon be galloping again together.
I love you both and am very, very proud of you.
Dad
March 22, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell
Russell, do you remember our Neighborhood Walks and playful evenings at your home in Baltimore? We lived in a beautiful neighborhood that was historic for it's design and architecture. A stream ran just steps away from our front door. Our home was filled with comfortable furniture, art work, Persian Rugs and hardwood floors. It was a great place to live on the edge of a big city.
You lived in Baltimore until you were 4 years old. I worked until roughly 4:00 p.m. each week day and hurried home to take over your care from your Mom so she could attend to her own responsibilities.
When I arrived home, you were usually in the sitting room with the large sectional white sofa where most of your toys and books were kept. I remember the room well. The lamps in the room cast a golden glow that made all the colors of the room seem alive. You were always excited to see me and greeted me with a big hug. Our normal routine was while waiting for dinner, we sat and watched your favorite show, Thomas the Tank Engine. You got to watch and know every episode and knew the names of all the engines and coaches. Trevor, your poodle was named after Trevor the Engine.
On warm days from Spring to Fall, we would also head down to the stream where you would engage in fantasy games playing along the edges of the stream and throwing stones into the water. We would then walk up through a wooded area to a residential street that looked like an old English Village with Tudor architecture and beautiful gardens. Our routine was to walk around a large block and then back home.
In the Springtime, we frequently visited Sherwood Gardens, about a 5 minute walk from home. There, among the blossoming thousands of tulips, you ran and played games including climbing the trees with my help. There were also shrubbery patches where you would run and try to hide from me and laughed yourself silly when I caught you.
On the way home, we always passed a gray stone gothic house which sat on a corner that looked haunted. There we would stop while you played on a small hill on the side of the house and sometimes sat on the outside steps and watched the traffic and talked.
Those were precious times Russell. I'll tell you about our winter night excursions in another message on this website, you know ‐ the trains. For Now I just want to say that I love you and Jeffrey very, very much and want to see you again soon.
Dad
P.S. I'm recovering from a rough night of trauma induced nightmares chasing and calling to you in desperation Jeffrey as you run away from me. I awakened with sweat and heart racing. It's emotional terrorism. Would you please tell the goblins not to do this to me anymore?
March 21, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell,
Before I start on a new memory, I just want to tell you both how much I love you and miss you. For me it is a 24‐hour a day sadness that never ends. You know from the stories and photos in this website that we were always close from the moment you both were born. We remained so until you both suddenly moved to your grandparents' house, where something obviously happened to change your behaviors. This too is explained in this website. It was made for both of you to remember truthfully our wonderful times together and to inform you about what has happened to your lives.
I hope you enjoy these vignettes about our lives together.
Here is a brief story for both of you behind the scenes at one of our favorite holidays, XMAS.
Each year, as XMAS was approaching, I began thinking about what kinds of things as presents would be not only add value to your lives, but would be sustainable, enjoyable, usable and might be educational. For Russell, it was model O Gauge trains. And, Jeffrey, I always looked for special toys that would capture your imagination and help you grow. You tended to like puzzles, blocks and things that could be built such as your marble coaster and Legos. Do you remember the hours you and I spent sitting on the floor designing and building new ideas of buildings and structures?
When you were both under 5 years old, I logged on to a computer program which tracked the progress of Santa on his global trip eventually to our house. As Santa would get closer, I encouraged you to get to bed or else Santa might pass us by. Often cookies or snacks were left for Santa. You both had a wonderful time anticipating a XMAS morning.
Behind the scene, I waited until you were asleep and then gathered all the presents and wrapped them with name tags. Much of the wrapping work was on a table in a freezing cold garage. I then moved on to set up the model trains and as part of the XMAS presents there was always additions to your train collection, new engines, rolling stock or features. And, of course, scenery to make the train display look real.
XMAS morning, the two of you dashed out in your pajamas to a pile of presents, and proceeded to make a paper mess everywhere. What was an organized neat room became chaos. Russell would focus on his trains while Jeffrey, you played with your new toys. It was a moment that I had an unforgettable feeling of love and sense of protecting you both.
The remainder of the day was centered around food and getting acquainted with your experiences with new amazing gifts.
It was a heart warming time for all of us.
Maybe you can find it in your hearts to reach out to me and warm my heart,
Dad
March 20, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell
Jeffrey, do you remember the playgrounds close to home? When you were little, Russell was getting to an age where playgrounds were not as interesting as his computer games, so you and I spent an hour or two almost everyday rotating to different locations. Your favorite was Idyllwild. There you liked the jungle like climbing platforms with slides and moving parts. And, you always wanted me to pick you up and help you on an overhead slide where you held on to handles while sliding about 20 feet from one side to the other. I always stayed close to your side fearing that you might loose your grip and fall. But you never did.
The miniature train that ran around the duck lake was next to the playground. We frequently took a ride together around the lake watching the ducks and the other people watching us. You thought it was great fun.
We finished off our playground excursion with a visit to the "Hunga‐Bunga" man, the statue of a wooden replica of an scary looking Indian warrior. Often times, I raised you up to a platform so you could walk completely around the statue.
The other playgrounds you enjoyed were closeby, one on 7th street in a park overlooking the highway and another that we visited on a small lake on Keystone. Because of the huge number of geese you called that playground "poop park". We always had to watch carefully where we walked. But I do remember you especially liked the swings at that park and the climbing wall. And, I remember that you were fascinated by the cement block conduit where fresh water flowed into the lake. Walking and jumping across this conduit seemed to test your sense of balance, and if you missed a step, your feet would land in the water and I would quickly pull you out.
Those were fun days and you and I were very close. And, on the way home, frequently we would stop off for some ice cream or milkshake at Basin‐Robins.
I love you Jeffrey and Russell and am very proud of you both
See you soon,
Dad
March 19, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell,
Today I want to talk to you both about the importance of critical thinking and the world. Both of you remember our conversations about current events and history. I used to encourage you both to think always about important issues and history through a critical lens. Now I want you to add to your focus the element that has come to dominate all actions and events, the influence of politics.
Let's look at the so called "pandemic". Forget what you hear on TV and from your friends and think about how the narrative of a new and deadly virus could be a sinister plot to suppress and control people.
Remember last March when we were told that people were dying in the streets and that hospitals were overrun with victims of this "deadly" disease? We saw pictures of coffins, body bags and hospital personnel walking around in hazmat suits.
The question that I asked a year ago, was any of this real?
After a year of ginned up fear influencing people to wear masks, stay home and walk 6 feet from one another, we still see people embracing a fiction like a religion where there are absolutely no facts to support it.
So let's think about this. Speaking with several doctors with emergency room experience, I asked them how they are able to distinguish symptoms of so called Covid‐19 from the flu? Their answer was astonishingly honest. They said they simply look at symptoms and if the symptoms are consistent with seasonal respiratory viruses, they treat all of them the same. Then, when a diagnosis is needed, they act under pressure to describe the symptoms as Covid‐19, ensuring their paychecks and their jobs are not at risk. In other words, to continue to promote the myth, doctors are rebranding seasonal respiratory illnesses as Covid‐19. How despicable is that! And the public believes it.
So ask yourself a couple of easy to investigate questions. 1. How is it that the flu has virtually vanished? 2. Why is it that looking at the numbers of total deaths for the years 2017 to 2020, there are no significant differences that would account for the hysterical belief that a strange and deadly virus was drifting around the world?
Clearly, this is a hoax. Clearly, people are so susceptible to propaganda, that they have all embraced the virus like a new religion with evidence free beliefs and rituals. Even your school, Jeffrey, on their occasional messages over the phone, continue to propagate these lunatic and dangerous myths.
Your power is to ignore their mandates and rituals and behave as a thinking, functioning human being. When you act like this herd of frog like lunatics, you hand over your power to the propagandists who are mostly power driven bureaucrats, who are virtual liars.
And, finally ask yourselves, if this virus were a real threat, then why do they work so hard to suppress any voices of dissent or disagreement.
Look at the hard core fundamentalists Christians, and then look at the crowds of idiotic people wearing masks and try to find any difference.
There isn't any.
The evidence of a hoax, including this dangerous Modified RNA gene therapy they call a vaccine is abundant. You just have to look for it, especially since all social media, the news, the political goons, your school teachers and insouciant friends will do anything to suppress the truth.
Critical thinking is obviously elusive to all those people. Be smart Russell and Jeffrey. Think critically and act wisely.
OK?
Dad
March 18, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell
Thought I would talk about Russell and me in the early days and our explorations before Jeffrey was born. Russell, you were about 5 ‐ 7 years old and always ready to go anywhere for an outing near home. Your favorite destination was, of course, the train yard on the east side of town.
Your concentration and patience is what I remember along with your curiosity and questions. We used to try to time our afternoon trips to coincide with the arrival of the Amtrak passenger train and then watch the passengers getting on and off. We waited until the train left the station and sometimes chased the train to its next stop about 4 miles away and watched once again.
Frequently you asked to be taken to an abandoned warehouse parking lot adjacent to all the train yard and watch the motion of the freight trains picking up their cars and getting ready to disembark to other destinations. You would watch the entire operation start to finish and when the train rolled out of sight you explored the side track and switch in the parking lot. Remember the fancy private coach that was parked in the yard with the porch on the rear? That coach seemed to fascinate you and we together created stories about its journeys and wondered if this once magnificent coach would ever ride again.
Those were really special days and we were a traveling team, always ready to explore any back road or streets around town. And, of course, I was almost exclusively your companion on our trips to the playgrounds. One in particular near home and on a hill overlooking the highway. I will save the discussion on this until later.
Always in a great mood, never fuzzy, and ready to go anywhere with me. You were the ideal companion and I loved every minute of our time together.
And, until quite recently, we still traveled together
I love your Russell and Jeffrey
Dad
March 17, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell,
Thought it might be fun to remember the first computer games used by both of you.
Russell, you first started playing games purchased as discs and placed in the CD player on our Windows 95 computer. One of your first games was Putt Putt., Big Action Construction and other games that involved strategies. Remember you and I hiding from "Ernie"? It was a game you made up where we hid from Ernie under a blanket and waited in suspense until he demolished a structure with a loud "boom".
It was great fun. You were about 3 years old when you began playing games and you always played in the evening under my watchful eye, often asking for help. Later I remember Blues Clues, Benjamin Bunny, Peter Rabbit and many other games in your earliest years.
Jeffrey, you started with a game called Lego Loco, easy to navigate and perfect for a 3‐4 year old to master. When you started playing, there were 2 computers, a laptop on one desk and a Windows 98 on the other. Russell would often play on the laptop while you played on the desktop. You also played Putt Putt, Blues Clues and Reader Rabbit. At that time you also played a number of really fun strategy games that were on‐line, one that required you to move objects with a series of balls.
Both of you liked Lionel Train Town and later zoo tycoon, roller coaster tycoon and gradually moved toward the on-line Steam games.
The thing that I remember of those early days was that you, Russell and I were usually all in the computer room together, I sat in my comfort chair and each of you played with great concentration. When something unique happened like succeeding at a special challenge, you both would call me over to see your progress and remark on your skills.
It was a bonding experience that I will never forget and in a lot of ways cemented us as a close family team.
That father son friendship continued up until our last moments together. Jeffrey remember our last week together Thanksgiving 2017. You introduced me to Kingdom, a game that you were playing and wanted me to also play.
That kind of closeness and bonding is something that is hard to express in words.
I love you both and am very proud of you.
Dad
March 16, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell,
Do you remember our overnight trips to Sacramento? You both loved the novelty of staying overnight in a hotel. At the time of those trips, you were both quite young, Russell you were 13 and Jeffrey 5. Russell, you were into computer games and always carried a laptop. Within minutes of arrival in our hotel room, your computer was set up and you were engaged with your games. Jeffrey watched cartoons and explored the hotel under my watchful eye learning every floor, restaurant locations and especially the pool. And, while Russell played you swam in the hotel pool.
On the waterfront of Sacramento, we were close to all the action. Your most special interests were the paddle wheel boat, exploring the docks and of course, the Train Museum. We had a family membership to the museum and both of you spent endless hours exploring every corner of the museum until there was nothing left to see, and sometimes you returned to your favorite exhibits a second and even a third time. You both especially liked the sleeping coach and other climb on rolling stock.
And, when there was an excursion train with trips up and down the river, we boarded an antique train and with food and drinks on hand, took a ride which seemed to delight both of you.
What stands out about those days is how the three of us were endlessly curious and could find fun in just about any exploration and there were many. Imagination was always engaged. The zoo, the parks, the museums, walking the riverfront and when hungry, great meals.
You both were little gourmets. Always enjoyed a good meal with appetizers that were gone in a flash. Your favorite dinners were rib eye steaks and prime rib. It amazed me that you both not only finished every meal, but were always ready for a dessert, usually cake or ice cream. And, when available, always a milkshake. You both liked Vanilla.
Those were fun and unforgettable times. Today, I wish we could have done them all over again.
I miss you Jeffrey and Russell
Dad
March 15, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell,
Jeffrey, one of my fondest memories about us when you were but just 1‐2 years old was our car trips. And, in fact, I took you for a ride almost every day of the week. When you needed a nap and I needed a break from my work, usually about 3:00 p.m. in the afternoon, I would pick you up and strap you into your car seat in the back of our Honda Odessey and off we would go on a car trip, usually beginning on the highway near our house. Where we would go was a decision on the impulse of the moment, and could be in any direction away from the house. Most often we would drive east along the river about 20 miles or so from home. About 10 minutes or so into the ride, you were sound asleep and I was in a state of discovering and thinking behind the wheel.
Generally we would exit the highway onto an unexplored road, following our nose, meandering down roads and streets, sometimes unpaved until we reached either a dead end or an entrance to return to the highway, where I reversed direction and headed towards home.
On the return trips, you would sometimes awaken and sometimes not. But, I always remembered you as a good natured child, rarely if ever fussy, and with curious watchful eyes fixed on the world outside of your car window. You were intriguing, inquisitive and asked questions about the sights and many things that attracted your attention. It was the early stages of building our lively bonding. Using my imagination, I told you silly stories, you laughed and would sometimes repeat almost word for word everything I said, but always with a question.
Clearly, your curiosity and early ability to engage in conversation were signs of the great person you were to become, somewhat silly, self‐aware and keenly aware of your surroundings and a quick learner. What evolved over the many car trips in the next several years was a little boy who engaged in silly acts of play guaranteed to get my attention. You were a little actor testing the world and me to see what reactions you could inspire. And you became as spontaneous and creative in your actions as you were developing into a interesting child.
Those were days I will never forget Jeffrey.
I love you and am very proud of you.
Dad
March 14, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell,
Russell, do you remember our excursions to Virginia City? Always an adventure. We had a favorite spot to visit, an abandoned mine surrounded by little hills, one which had a cement foundation that once served a function for the mine. As I watched, you used to frolic with amazed curiosity running up and down the hills and then on this one special hill with a view of the mine shaft and the snow covered mountains, we would eat our picknik lunch. And, you also got to see the V & T Railroad train and waved at the passengers.
After lunch, we took a little hike and then went back to the car and drove down to the south of Virginia City to Gold Hill. Always in the mood to explore, We detoured off the main road to the dirt roads leading up the mountain to the west. We stumbled on an abandoned cemetary and immediately decided to park and explore.
Remember what you found? A grave plot surrounded by a fence, a tombstone with a message and toys flooding the entire plot. What you stumbled upon turned out to have a story about two boys who wandered away from their parents home on horseback, became lost and were trapped in a blizzard snow storm. Both boys were found the next day frozen to death, but with their horse standing by.
You seemed quite taken by the story and seeing all the toys left by other visitors, asked if we could bring some toys on our next visit.
This was the compassion and empathy that was uniquely you Russell. I was so incredibly proud of you and emotional at the same time.
Read the tombstone and remember Russell. And Jeffrey, please take a lesson about the wonderful virtues of caring about another human, alive or dead.
I love you both,
Dad
March 13, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell,
Russell, do you remember when you were very little, our fun on the yellow boat? As warmer weather approached, your mom, you and I would take off to the marina board our boat and head out to the river to explore and play. From the time you were born, you were a boater. I still cherish the photos of you at age 2, almost 3 driving the boat and exploring the remote beaches on the far side of the bay.
On one of our memorable trips, we met a dog, a friendly golden retriever whose name was "Bud". You and Bud became instant friends. It was the first time you met and played with an animal, other than Simon, your mom's Persian Cat, which would sit with imperious superiority perched like an art object just starring out at space. Simon did not interact with you very much, but Bud and you ran around the beach together like best friends. Like all retrievers, Bud liked to fetch and chase a stick. Your mom threw the stick towards the water, and Bud dutifully ran, found the stick and returned to your mom. I held you while you watched with eyes of amazing curiosity. I knew you wanted your chance and so, I set you down and handed you the stick and you started to play with Bud.
After the beach, and before returning to our boat, we would take a long walk on a country road in an area with a thick copse of trees protecting us from the sun with a canopy of soft shade. Hungry, we found a large log, sat and had a picknik al fresco. By the time we returned to the boat, you were showing signs of being tired. Boarding the boat, I placed you in the cabin and you slept all the way back to the marina.
Whenever we thought about taking a boat trip, you were extremely eager to go,..in fact you enjoyed traveling just about anywhere and always had an enormous sense of adventure.
Those were great days never to be forgotten, Russell. Life was good and your entire East Coast family loved you very much.
I am very proud of you and now Jeffrey can read and know about our early family adventures on the Yellow Boat.
Stay Safe Russell and Jeffrey, I will see you again soon,
Dad
March 12, 2021
Hi Jeffrey and Russell, Since the only people to whom I have shared this website URL with great difficulty are to the two of you, it seems that you are both visiting on a fairly regular basis. And that is good. I hope the message helps to clarify your confusion about me. And I hope you enjoy all the wonderful memories. Given that you are under great pressure to conform to rules, the website was the best way I knew to connect with you.
If you check your MeWe page, I have finally gotten the courage to post an honest, straightforward story of what has happened to me since the day of your mother and me parting ways. I think both of you will see that the facts are accurate and tell a very sad story that should never happen to any human, let alone your dad. However, by telling this story, it has released a lot of pain and pressure that has built up over these many years. I was pushed to the outter edge of my level of endurance and suffered enormously all these years without ever wanting to directly confront the senseless evil we all knew was there.
On a more positive note, you may want to know, that in spite of trauma I suffer, I have managed to continue work on the last project of my life, the music village housing and caring for elder musicians. I always hold the hope that the two of you, and, in spite of the rancor, your mom would work in this musical endeavor and carry on the work after I am gone. This is a wonderful project and has received world wide praise, even proclamations from many people and institutions. It solves a problem for all aging people everywhere on earth. I spent many years working out quantitative formulas that can enable elder people to live with dignity with housing and healthcare for the balance of their aging years. This project started with my great friend and former advisor in graduate school, John Cull. Do you remember him Russell? Your mother does. She even had several counseling session with John before he died.
So I still hope the two of you will come to regret what has happened to you and this family and reach out to me with your own unique expressions of kindness. You both used to show such a wonderful sense of humanity and compassion. I even watched Russell tenderly helping struggling little bugs survive. Those are precious virtues and should be cherished. I will never forget them.
You both know how to reach me.
I love you and am very, very proud of both of you,
Dad (Papa)
P.S.
Sadie J. Kreitlein's birthday is tomorrow Russell. I think she will be 25.
And, Jeffery Gets Da D's has his birthday tomorrow.
Send them a happy birthday wish, OK!