Estranged but not forgotten

Russell and Jeffrey

Before I begin, I want to make it clear to both of you that I value your mom and grandparents in your lives. In no way would I ever want to destroy your relationship with them.

But, you both have chosen a life without me. How long do you need? I have tried many ways to make contact but you block me everytime. It has been 2 Years since that final day in April 2019 when you last texted me Jeffrey. Your text revealed that you were under great pressure, fearful and confused. Had you talked with me, I could have helped. Will this silence last for ever? This experience has placed me in an agony similar but worse than grieving for the dead: because you are alive, so I hold on to hope by the edges of my fingertips.

As your dad, I am happy that you are both forging ahead with your passions and your friendships. I am sure that gives you a distraction from the emotional train wreck that causes you to reject me. I always love you and I am proud of you whether you want that or not. All I want is for you, Jeffrey and Russell to let me know if you intend this silence to last for ever? If so, then please help me to understand why. All of the anger and confusion which has sadly built up since the two of you were 15 and 22 ‐ You both know that never once did I psychologically or physically abuse you, engage in confrontations or treat you with disrespect. I loved both of you with all my heart. I couldn't wait until the times when you resided in my house living in your own bedrooms with your own furniture, clothing and comforts familiar since you were born. We always enjoyed a close and healthy relationship. Can you please give me an explanation?

This Now Is Daily Life for Me.
I look out for you on every street corner. A tiny glimmer of hope briefly possesses me when I see someone who might be you. My vision cruelly morphs the most unlikely strangers in to your shape. Many times each day my brain plays tricks.

Without any warning or explanation, you suddenly expressed a refusal to all my communications and efforts to interact with you. Perhaps you are afraid of consequences if you talk or visit with me. I am of course, extremely upset that you think it is OK to do this to me: to your dad. Where is the love in that? Would your friends do it to their dads? Why are their dads superior and so much more deserving than I am?

I am so afraid that the longer this continues, the harder it will be for you to break it. I taught you both the values of empathy and compassion, the power of forgiveness and expressing gratitude. I never expected you both would resort to emotional abuse and cruelty toward another human being, let alone your dad, Have you no regrets for the extraordinary damage it has caused?

I used to believe that we were close; I always loved being your dad. It is not even half a life without you. Here is an opportunity for you to do something good.

Please come back to me, or at least explain why, so that I may better understand. Please help me to find some peace from the tormenting questions in my head. And, if there is a reason for me to apologize, why not give me the chance?

Daily Message to My Sons Jeffrey and Russell

A Final Message ‐ FATHER'S DAY, JUNE 20, 2021

Hi Jeffrey and Russell,

I did not want to leave you without saying a proper "GoodBye".

You two were the light of my life. I cherished every minute of the time we spent together. But now the viscissitudes of life have gathered clouds and it's time for me to move on.

At a pivotal moment in my life, which comes only once, I reflect back on all the wonderful memories and think what would be the last words that i would want to leave with my sons. The words came to me quickly. I loved you both for many, many years and I would want nothing more than to do it all over again. My dad, your grandfather who always supported me and thought I was a gifted visionary, impressed upon me the virtue of risk taking. And he said that one day, I might take risks that failed, but to never give up. I was told not to confuse reputational attacks with my character, which to this day is rock solid gold and always has been. Reputation is what others think of you. Character is who you really are. Both of you have the values of great character. I hope that you two will never give up, no matter what. It is not an easy path, but one that takes perseverance, courage and conviction.

Those are the virtues of real character. I want you both to know, that I had those virtues, in spite of what others have said.

One day I would like you both to travel up to the top of a mountain, take some time and reflect on what life really was like with me, your dad. And, by then, given you will be both of age, ... would you toast your dad with his favorite drink, a Kir Royal?

Lastly, you probably don't know, but I left a sizable estate for you Jeffrey and you Russell. It is in a trust under your names. The only way you will be able to access that trust is to contact your East Coast half‐brother. Do you know the number? Probably not. You will need to call an old Jazz band director in Reno. He has the number and will give it to you. If you don't know who he is, ‐ I am afraid your money will be lost forever. And that would be a shame.

Lastly, I want you two to know that I did not cause this tragedy. But one day you will know who did.

Finally, I love you and am very proud of you both.

GOOD BYE MY WONDERFUL SONS.

PAPA

Daily Message to My Sons Jeffrey and Russell

May 21, 2021

A Final Message

Hi Jeffrey and Russell,

I guess it is time Jeffrey for you to graduate from your high school.

Sadly, I have been totally erased, cannot attend under threat of arrest and have all your band friends who enjoy calling me names while their sadly ignorant parents have been recruited as your ally.

You and I both know, and so does Russell that I was always your safe space, your breather when you needed space from your hovering and mischievous mom. You also know that none of your refusal to acknowledge me can be accounted for by anything that I ever did to you. You and Russell were never in conflict with me, never physically or verbally abused. We were all very close until that fateful day when your mom finally broke the bank of our security having spent it all on her self-indulgent needs including wiping out your inheritance from your grandparents. Whether you want to believe it or not, and however the story has been spun to demonize me in your eyes, that is the brutal, unvarnished truth. And, because of my forgiving nature, I never admonished or scolded your mom, I just kept it to myself.

And, of course, your grandparents who for years had tried to destroy me, first to my father when he was alive, and then directed a storm of false accusations about me being a pedophile to your elementary school.

And, yet I am the person demonized, tormented, emotionally tortured and rendered persona non‐gratis.

And, as far as a business misfortune is concerned, also sadly used to demonize me, it had nothing to do with me as your dad. That is like hitting me below the belt, especially since all the benefits of that business serviced your entire lifestyle, wonderful trips, cars, food, clothing, housing and in the tragic end a beach condo that was like a torpedo that sank the ship. It isn't fair for you two to hold that against me in spite of what you have been falsely led to believe. Had you asked me, I would have explained. But the people around you don't want you to hear an explanation that defies their narrative. That would undermine their control and their credibility. And, for the lie to continue, you must be a believer, in spite of facts that would tell another side of the story.

Very Sad!

You now carry the weight of hating ½ or yourselves, that part of you who is your flesh and blood dad.

Why bring all this up?
The reason I mention all of this is to underscore a lesson that only a dad can give at a time when you are at a celebration point in your life.

All I have now are memories. Beautiful, warm memories of both of you. And, Jeffrey, you were a very special son for several reasons. Your mom was past the age when healthy reproduction was not at risk. So you were made with both of us in a medical laboratory and placed back in your mom until you were born. You also carried a huge disproportionate number of my genes as clearly confirmed in the color of your eyes, not possible from Asian genes. Thus, you had the eyes inherited from your grandmother, great grandmother, great grandfather all the way back to the first member of the family to land in America.

You also have the body type of my dad, your grandfather and share many other features as you can see on some pages of this website.

So yes, I considered you a gift, with the name Jeffrey, chosen because it meant Gentle and Loving Person.

And, if you read the many posts in the archives of this website, you will see how your life was shaped by my care, protection and influence.

From the time you were born, I held you, put you to bed, played with you, read to you, taught you and loved you in everyway.

And, your school years, your trumpet and band, your special lunches that I prepared and the silly hikes up mystery paths, mountains and hills were all a wonderful blend of loving memories. And I am so proud of you Jeffrey. I so want to stand in the crowd and watch you take your final school days walk across a stage and take your diploma. It is the sum of all those years that were enabled by me, your dad.

And, I so much wanted to give you a special present on your graduation day.

You cannot imagine the depths of my despair and sadness to miss you on your special graduation day.

Instead, I will think and imagine you from afar. Your present, which is very, very special, will be at your home whenever and if ever you decide you want to know me again.

I guess you will leave soon for college. I have not a clue as to where you are going or how it will be paid for. I have repeatedly tried to email you and others to offer to pay for your education, living expenses and a car.

But, sadly, the lights are out Jeffrey.

I don't want to say good‐bye, but what else is there to say.

I want you to have a good life and I love you with all my heart and soul.

And, if ever you need my help, just call me or come home. That's assuming I am still alive.

I love you and am very, very proud of you.

And, I am thinking of terminating these personal message posts as writing them makes me feel badly.

Always your father Jeffrey, (and Russell)

Dad