Letters to My Estranged Sons

New Years Day 2020

Hi Russell,

It's been about a year since I heard your voice either on the phone or in person. When you rejected me living in your grand parents house, I spent nearly three hours last January standing in the field to the front of the house hoping that I could somehow approach the door and see you without interference from your grandfather. I waited hoping you would step outside where I could see and call to you.

You are my son and might want to deny your heritage, but you never can. Such things are always within us. You will notice all the little signs of your physical resemblance and habits from your father's side deeply embedded within yourself in the years to come.

I felt you slipping away, something I could never quite understand, especially since you would never talk about your issues face to face. I'm sure whatever problems were troubling; we could have worked it out. Sadly, I soon found that I was powerless to prevent you from erasing me. You were an "adult"‐ legally. When you truly love somebody, you have to release them to do what they will, even when you instinctively know that they are harming themselves by what they are doing.

What I cannot understand is how two people who were always so close could so suddenly be so far apart in every way. I travelled a long way to see you, to touch you and to tell you that I love you, am proud of you and always will. I have often told you that when you were small, it was the happiest time of my life. How exciting, how privileged to share those moments of growing in every way; how exciting to be there at the moment of your discoveries, your proud achievements.

You have never replied to my letters, cards, emails, calls or texts, which we always used to share so happily. With great pain and confusion, I finally reached a terrible point. There was nothing but a wall of silence for the last year, after quite "normal" constant contact at a very meaningful level.

Apparently you feel there is no need to explain or justify your actions ‐ not to me, perhaps, but there may well be another who might feel differently in the future. Seems you would rather feel "right" and suffer than "wrong" and reunite as we were before sharing common interests and good meals together.

What this now has become a waste of everyone's life.

There is always hope. That is one certainty I continue to live with. I am not perfect; there's no such thing as a normal family. If I have done something to harm you, I am truly sorry. We do our best in whatever circumstances we find ourselves.

We are all children of our time, whether we like it or not.

Whatever else changes, real love and respect for you does not ‐ I will see you again!

Maybe soon.

Papa

Love that Only a Dad can Give.

ALWAYS HAPPY

December 2020

A Christmas Wish

Jeffrey

I will always remember the day you were born. The night before I rushed your Mom to the Hospital in Truckee California hoping to arrive before you arrived. It was a thrilling ride that filled me with expectations of seeing you for the first time, and you were a wonderful gift to my life.

Before you even arrived home, you became acquainted with the sights, sounds and aroma of a Chinese restaurant. We were a family, Russell, your mom and I tenderly and fondly watched your every sound and movement. It was a magical experience.

Each morning, while your mom slept, I carried you into the computer room and read you stories from picture books while you sat on my lap with full attention. By the time you were 6 months old, your first Christmas, I read to you from one of your favorite books, "Goodnight Moon". Helping you to experience and imagine the world through books and pictures were some of the best times of my life.

Wintertime was Russell's ski school events. Early morning, every Saturday and Sunday, I packed you and Russell into the car and off we went to Mt. Rose. While Russell was skiing, I held you and together, we walked around the ski lodge where you watched the crowds with eyes of excited amazement. When you grew tired, I placed you on a table where you slept in your portable car seat. Sometimes you slept so soundly that even the sounds of Russell's lunch break did not disturb you.

By age 3, we were walking the trails near the Truckee River where I excited your imagination with tales of the tumbleweed people, who came out at the beginning of darkness. You laughed and ran calling to me to hurry so the tumbleweed people wouldn't catch us.

Before sunset, almost every evening, we traveled to a playground. Your favorite playgrounds were Idlewild Park, the Lake Park on Keystone Ave and the park next to the Tennis courts at the end of 7th Street. You loved the swings and the sliding boards, especially the curved tunnel slides. I always remembered at the moment the car door was opened how fast you ran to the slides. The two of us used to play together, climbing tall towers, walking the ramps while imagining all kinds of fantastic scenarios. Your energy kept pace with your amazing curiosity. By the time we left the playgrounds, we were always worn out from too much fun.

Today it is not like that anymore. I live alone isolated in a state of endless torment from deafening silence of the lost son I love so much. As hard as I try, I cannot understand what I did to deserve this brutal torture.

Whatever you think I did to cause your anger, I apologize with the deepest sincerity. Can you accept my apology?

At this Christmas season, one of gifts and forgiveness, can you find it in your heart to share some kindness to me?

Merry Christmas. I love you deeply Jeffrey and am very proud of you.

Dad

Memories Now Haunt Me EveryDay!

A Poem for My Son Russell on His High School Graduation Day

To Russell on your Graduation Day
June 5, 2013

Oh how the years go by,
Oh how time can certainly fly.
From once just a thought in far away dreams,
now into my arms and in my eyes gleam
the presence of you.
Your laughter and smiles
which go on for miles,
warms my heart and soul.
You've grown up so fast,
as I wished each moment with you to last forever.
My little boy is becoming a man
and right by your side I will forever stand.
I will pick up the pieces when you fall,
I will hold your hand and help you stand tall.
And when the day comes when you are on your own,
never feel that you are alone.
No matter how near or far apart
I am always right there in your heart.
Always remember whatever you go through
that no matter what, I will always love you.

Papa

A Door Never Closed!